Thursday, December 29, 2005

eroticizing Curious George again

I saw a poster on my subway station platform about the upcoming Curious George movie. I immediately noticed that the music was written and performed by Jack Johnson...

Jack Johnson. Curious George. Bi-curious. Monkey sex.

I don't know why my filthy mind made the connection, but it did. Jack Johnson is hotter than hell, so I could eroticize a parking ticket if he sang about it. Barefoot.

I'm sorry, George. I haven't had a mental picture like this since the Friends episode with Marcel the monkey:
Rachel: Marcel! Bad monkey!
Ross: What?
Rachel: Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Friday, December 23, 2005

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Schmucker opens his yap again

Anybody with any ambition at all, or intelligence, has left Canada and is now living in New York. Canada is a sweet country. It is like your retarded cousin you see at Thanksgiving and sort of pat him on the head. You know, he's nice but you don't take him seriously. That's Canada.

Will someone please load Schmucker Karlsen into a Russian rocket and launch him into the sun? And while you're at it, strap in Ass Koulter (a.k.a. blonde Satan harpy).

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

SO happy

This cheers me up so much. When people drive high-end luxury cars around with an arrogant sense of "entitlement" and:

  • get traffic tickets
  • get towed away
  • get into fender-benders (no injuries... just fender-benders)
  • get on the receiving end of "pedestrian rage," like in this video

    all is right with the world. Peace on Earth!

    Thanks for the clip, Mitz.

    p.s. - guess if I've ever unloaded some "pedestrian rage"
  • Tuesday, December 20, 2005

    how my air conditioner reminds me of my single status

    --> it has been sitting on the floor of my apartment since I took it out of the window in October

    I need a man. Or a little truck/dolly thingy to wheel it down to my storage locker in the basement of my building.

    I've asked Jason and Too Busy Living to help, but they have a way of mysteriously disappearing when there's work to do.

    Monday, December 19, 2005

    TTC bus vs. Infiniti SUV

    Part of me so wished that the driver of the TTC bus I was on this morning hadn't practiced good defensive driving, and instead had hit the Infiniti SUV that cut him off by city hall.

    We weren't going fast. No one would've been killed.

    I've ridden this route for years. On one near-miss occasion, I was sitting behind the bus driver, who remarked, "I could've hit that car, but I don't feel like doing the paperwork tonight." I love it.

    Infiniti idiot: do you think you're a match for a vehicle that is several times your weight and size? Do you think that driving an SUV makes you invincible?

    Bring it, mofo.

    Friday, December 16, 2005

    Thursday, December 15, 2005

    living in Toronto: the appreciative post

    Every now and then, I am reminded of why I like living in Toronto. Tonight, that reminder came as I finished renewing my subscription to Vanity Fair. On the website's Roundtable section, there is an article by Anderson Tepper on the strength of the Canadian literature scene in Toronto. It's a brilliant piece. I loved his comparisons of Toronto and New York:

    Toronto, like an eclipsed, earlier version of New York, is being re-written, remapped, reimagined. [...] Toronto: a mini–New York; an anti–New York; a younger, more global, more tolerant New York.

    It's not the first time the two cities have been compared. Peter Ustinov once said that "Toronto is like New York run by the Swiss."

    Unfortunately, we've had some bad years since then. John Barber of The Globe and Mail wrote recently that Toronto is now more "like Cleveland run by the Canadians." Years of rule by an uptight Italian-Canadian-Catholic police chief has left my area of the city a pale shadow of its former self. (I flew to Spain for some goddamned backroom action! Hello!) Marge Simpson may have uttered the best recent description of Toronto: "It's so clean and bland... I'm home!"

    But Tepper's article made me appreciate my city again. Just as the Turner/Whistler/Monet exhibit I took in last year at the Art Gallery of Ontario did. As does the fact that tonight, I finished my Christmas shopping in 30 minutes without setting foot in a shopping mall.

    Check this out: Tepper mentions the Murmur project. What you might not have read about Toronto in a novel by Atwood, Ondaatje, or Irving, you can discover by walking around with a cell phone and listening to the narrative recordings.

    Of course, Jason will likely post a bitchy comment about how Canadian literature is an oxymoron. Ignore him.

    Tuesday, December 13, 2005

    gawd I hate the TTC

    I don't judge anyone who drives their vehicle* to work in the Greater Toronto Area. Yes, our freeways and commuter arteries are a gridlocked mess most of the time, but it's no wonder. There is little coordination amongst the transit systems of the outlying cities, successive provincial governments have slashed funding to GO Transit, and Toronto has a bad habit of ripping up pre-existing rail lines and turning them into long, skinny parks (or ignoring them altogether).

    And then there's the TTC. The Better Way, my ass. It took me 50 minutes to get home from work tonight. If I get a bus right away, it takes me 20 minutes. Walking takes 35.

    The problem tonight, I think, was that a bus was missing from the regular pattern of service on the route. This accounts for my 25-minute wait at the stop. Luckily it was only -5c tonight, so I didn't freeze to death.

    Between the unpredictable wait times, the oft-surly drivers, the beat-up buses, and the multitude of crazy (and smelly) people who ride, it's all a bit much to take sometimes. Trying to entice people to use public transit is a common problem for large North American cities. I think we could take some lessons from the Europeans. In Finland, you can get a text message to your cell phone telling you when the next bus is due to arrive. In German cities like Berlin and Munich, the U-Bahn is a thing of beauty: extensive routes; reliable, automated, and audible next-station-announcements; directional signage in the subway cars indicating the doors to use for the next platform. Heck, even the MUNI platforms in San Franisco tell you when the next goddamned train is coming.

    This post is in celebration of Ontario's new High Occupancy Vehicle lanes. HOV lanes: the traffic solution that many North American cities are abandoning after years of failure. Attention Toronto retailers: your used mannequins have just quadrupled in value...

    * as long as it's not a gargantuan SUV with only one occupant

    Thursday, December 08, 2005

    madame's mornings

    A Random Person (RP) has transcended space and time and has managed to enter madamerouge's body (this is non-sexual, pervs) to experience what it's like to be madame in the morning...

    RP: Omigod, I had no idea it was this bad. So is it every morning that you feel like you want to die, or just today in particular?

    madamerouge: Pretty much every morning. If it's a weekend, and I get to sleep in and watch the Discovery Channel for a while, it's not so bad. But during the workweek, yes, I pray for death every morning.

    RP: That's not good. You should talk to your shrink about that.

    madamerouge: Yeah, whatever. Where's my coffee?

    Wednesday, December 07, 2005

    erase hate

    Snacksie and I saw Cyndi Lauper in concert Tuesday night at Massey Hall in Toronto. She is amazing live; I highly recommend seeing her if you get the chance. Oddly enough, we did not get our purple bracelets.

    You see, our Cyn met Judy Shepard in October and is now on the honourary board of the Matthew Shepard Foundation. As part of the partnership, attendees of Cyndi's current tour receive the bracelet. Whatever the reason for the absent bracelets tonight, Lauper's commitment to the foundation is admirable. She performed her new song "Above the Clouds" which was inspired, in part, by Matthew. Introducing the song, Cyndi said that she wants a world without hatred for her son and for everyone... a world where "difference would be celebrated... so that if you saw a person who was different from you, you'd be more likely to approach that person, have a converstation, and find out that maybe you weren't so different after all."

    Tuesday, December 06, 2005

    immobilisé, day 3

    I blame most of it on being called into work on Saturday.

    Ordinarily, I stand a pretty good chance of landing in a "valley" after a "peak" such as my trip to Spain. Good times can't last indefinitely, my brain tells me. If I could have spent Saturday napping and leisurely getting ready for the two Christmas parties I was expected at that night, it might have turned out differently. I might have had some more fun. Instead, I got home from work exhausted and fell asleep at 8:30 p.m. I turned off my phone, crawled into bed, and slept for 14h.

    Monday, I not only missed work but also medical tests necessary for an upcoming procedure (a procedure that's causing me inordinate amounts of stress). But yesterday's small miracle was that I had a shower and brushed my teeth. Baby steps.

    Today, I'm literally forcing myself to go get those missed medical tests from yesterday and head to work after that. I have Cyndi Lauper to look forward to with Jason. Baby steps.