Thursday, June 29, 2006

scanned & presented for your amusement

Blogger shrinks the image a bit, so click here. (Depending on your browser, you may have to click again to magnify.) It's not crude and is totally SFW.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I'm sure the Queen isn't amused

I watched Pop-Up Royals lastnight on CBC, and laughed 'till I cried. Scott Thompson does the most dementedly funny Queen Elizabeth II... he looks half-crazed.

I've tried to find old video from The Kids in the Hall where he portrays the Queen telling a little red-haired girl that she's evil and should jump into a lake. "Come on! There's candy at the bottom! Do it for England, dear!" Classic.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

b1tch was gayer than me

I had a good weekend. The wedding was fun; my cousin was a beautiful bride; the weather was great. I enjoyed breathing clean air for a change.

Brother of the groom: gay. Not my type, but he seemed nice enough. Their family sat at the table next to ours. Overheard during dinner: bitch flew to Chicago to see Madonna in concert.

Snap! Out-gayed.

(Not that I couldn't have won if I had tried. I can be really gay if I turn it on.)

Thursday, June 22, 2006

have fun at pride without me

For gay hubris day gay pride day 2004, I did my laundry. In 2005, I left the city for the weekend. This year, I'm flying to Winnipeg for a wedding.

One of these years, I hope to get back into a "pride mood." For now, I've had enough of:

  • the performance stage near my apartment that makes the building vibrate for 2 days
  • the crushing, gawking, flip-flop-wearing, sunscreen-slimy crowds
  • the overflowing portable toilets with the interminable lineups
  • the excessively cautious beer garden rules (also with interminable lineups)

    Here is a picture of me in 1997, when I had a great time at pride. (It should be noted that I didn't live right in the heart of Church/Wellesley then, so I had a place to "escape" to if I needed a time-out.) Who's that person next to me? I've digitally altered his appearance, but I can tell you that he might be one of my favourite "aunts."

    Have fun. Wear condoms. I'll see you Tuesday.
  • Wednesday, June 21, 2006


    I had a dream that all of the continents got mixed up. Earth was like a giant three-dimensional puzzle. I got into an argument with Sweden about the placement of something.

    The United States was no help at all--they just kept arranging North America so that their country was always angled perfectly toward the sun.

    Happy summer solstice...

    Monday, June 19, 2006

    personal hygiene 101

    Before leaving your domicile for the day, either brush your teeth or gargle with mouthwash.

    Morning breath in a confined space (like a subway car) is not pleasant. If you think your breath is o.k., you are wrong. Grab a toothbrush, fool.

    Friday, June 16, 2006

    I really have tried to check out of this hotel

    Streep Week continues with this gem from one of my all-time favourite movies, Postcards from the Edge (1990). The song Meryl performs ("I'm Checkin' Out") was nominated for an Academy Award that year.

    Unfortunately, the clip ends before you can see Meryl really let loose and have some fun with the stage band--Canada's Blue Rodeo. And don't worry about the darkness at the beginning... that's how it's shot.

    Thursday, June 15, 2006

    I didn't mind that Lindsay Lohan was in it

    I saw A Prairie Home Companion lastnight, and I was impressed with la Lohan. I'm going to have to rent Mean Girls and the Freaky Friday remake to get caught up on my fellow redhead. Here she is with Meryl:

    It was a treat to see Meryl Streep perform so many musical numbers. And her laugh! So melodic, so infectious...

    Oh, and Woody Harrelson should always wear a cowboy hat.

    Tuesday, June 13, 2006

    I plotzed (natch)

    After I posted the beefcake yesterday morning, a commercial came on the television. I heard "Jump" by Madonna and was treated to my first-ever viewing of the trailer for The Devil Wears Prada. Click on the link to see a clip. June 30th, people!

    I'm telling you; these are the little things that keep me going. I'm not kidding. Life is an endless montage of disappointment punctuated by moments (many involving the incomparable Meryl Streep) that give me the will to carry on. How will I make it to June 30th?
    A Prairie Home Companion with Peter on Wednesday (I hope).

    Monday, June 12, 2006

    hey guys...

    If you're shy about showering at the gym, you should know that you draw infinitely more attention to yourself when you shower in your underwear.

    Remember: the best place to hide something is in plain sight!

    Thursday, June 08, 2006

    the "what planet am I on?" news roundup

    From start to finish, June 7 2006 was a day when I literally couldn't believe the news I was reading and hearing. It started with American Morning and a story that nearly caused me to burn myself with the iron. Unfortunately, that segment of the show is the only one that hasn't been transcripted on the website, but you can read about the story in The Kansas City Star.

    The short-lived gay marriage debate in the U.S. Senate provided this little gem from an incredibly hateful man:
    SEN. RICK SANT0RUM (R), PENNSYLVANIA: If marriage is not about one man and one woman for the purpose of a relationship of which to have children and continue the society, then... if it's about two women or two men, why not two women and three men? Why not whatever arrangement? If gender doesn't matter anymore, why does number matter? What's the significance?
    Hi Rick. I would love to see you forcibly married to a horse--but only if you were the passif one in the partnership.

    On the evening surf, I laughed along with The Daily Show audience when Oklahoma senator Imhofe was shown holding up a picture of his family of approximately 20 children and grandchildren... with "no divorces" and "no homosexual relationships" among them.

    On Nightline, I watched an interview with two cute M0rm0n gay guys who discussed their eventual excommunication. One of them talked about missing the structure and routine of the church, and its plethora of "manuals" that pretty much lay everything out for you so that you "don't have to make a lot of decisions." Wow. I now understand the appeal of joining a cult. I know I've struggled with a lot of decisions.

    I don't normally watch Inside Edition, but their story on the Washington State customs officer who stopped the would-be "Millennium Bomber" in 1999 caught my attention. The "reporter" actually used the phrase "evil terrorist." I guess people in trailer parks have even more of a reason to hate Canada now. Thankfully, the capture of al-Zarqawi will distract them.

    Tuesday, June 06, 2006

    area code splitting: the true number of the beast

    I don't like area code splitting. I think it's the work of the devil. EVIL! EVIL! I have a head for numbers--I remember nearly every phone number I've ever had--and I was pretty good at knowing which major North American cities were served by which area codes. Those days are long-gone.

    A few years ago, I saw an article in The Atlantic Monthly explaining the origin and planning of area codes. With rotary-dial phones, the easiest area codes to dial were the ones with the least amount of finger travel. Here is a picture of a phone in my office. According to Peter, I use it for "points emergencies."

    The biggest metropolitan areas were given the best codes. So, New York City got 212, the Los Angeles area got 213, Chicago 312...

    This of course means that San Francisco (415) was better than Toronto (416), and that Toronto was better than Springfield Missouri (417).*

    Eventually, area codes were expanded to include zero as a middle digit. Dialing zero on a rotary dial phone took about an hour. People often died while trying to reach an operator in an emergency.* Thank goodness for touch-tone.

    In time, thanks to a lot of poseurs, teenaged girls, and drug dealers, we had about forty trillion cell phones and pagers. Add in the anal-retentive, squatting phone companies, and we soon exhausted our area codes. We incorporated digits 2 through 8 (9 is being reserved for future phone numbers that will be about the same length as pi) into the middle digit of wonky splits and overlays--and we're still running out of numbers. I don't know where the fuck I'm calling anymore. Fuckers.

    * just kidding

  • wicked cool animation of the proliferation of area codes
  • area code map of Canada
  • area code map of the U.S.
  • the good ol' days
  • the North American Numbering Plan (NANP)
  • A Tale of Two Springfields
  • Friday, June 02, 2006