Thursday, August 17, 2006

rouge is just not that into you

Sorry, man. The heart wants what it wants. Dicks don't lie. Ain't enough Viagra in your medicine cabinet when:

  • you're trying to shove my fingers all up in there, and I can see a Crisco smudge on your shaved head
  • during the deed, "Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car" is playing on the satellite radio in your bedroom
  • you invite me over for a second date--even promising to make me pasta with your Italian mother's homemade sauce--then drop me cold until two months later, when you cc me on a hot hookup email to some other dude
  • I find out that you deal. And steal.
  • I find out you're a part-time actor. And you like getting gobbed on.
  • you don't bother closing the bathroom door, and it's noisy
  • you trick me into eating tripe at a dim-sum place
  • you proudly don't wear deodorant
  • you have to stop at a 24h cheque-cashing joint, because you're trying to "hide" your new part-time job from your landlord
  • you point out your two missing molars--where the bridle goes
This list of adventures is a partial summary of my last five single years. Hang in there, Midniter. He'll be back soon.

48 comments:

Midniter said...

Wow...your dating misadventures are way worse than mine. Especially the part about eating tripe. I'm probably one of the few Mexicans I know who won't eat menudo just because it has that in there.

I want to hear more about the bridle.

tornwordo said...

Where do you find these "people". lol. There I go again, laughing at others misfortune. Sadistic, I know.

Miss Thistle said...

Ugh, "actors." The worst.

I e-mailed you, but figured I'd tell you here too; the song from the cell phone commercial is Goldfrapp's "Strict Machine."

Jason said...

Ya, the bridle guy was a bit much.

toobusyliving said...

You deserve better - especially being the kind of guy that knows how to fold a fitted sheet, if you know what I mean :)

Timmy said...

I LOVE gOLDFRAPP

Crucible said...

Where have all the good ones gone? You deserve better luck!

Salem said...

The tripe thing happened to me. The tripe turned me off, but the man didn't.

Carrie said...

holy shit mloyd.....sorry.

your judgemental aunt said...

That was a pretty story.
BTW what's tripe?

Salem said...

Cow stomach.

The dish is usually served steamed with spring onion and garlic sauce, or just boiled in water served with sweet soya sauce with chili and spring onions as a dipping sauce.

Jason said...

There is zero tripe.

Salem said...

It's as good as it sounds.

Natasha said...

Mloyd,
Your brother and I will be camping at Sibbald Point Provincial Park this weekend and diving at Tobermorey next weekend. Just in case you're looking for us, we can be reached on the monkey-cell.
XOX,
Natasha

St. Dickeybird said...

Ewwwwwwww.
You're making me glad I left Toronto.

teh l4m3 said...

"...Or when I see your spunk-drenched mug on one of the cases on the Treasure Island Media shelf..."

Heh heh heh...

teh l4m3 said...

Oh, wait, I know what this post just reminded me of: The guy I hooked up with at The Edge who had a gut-punching fetish, a passion for Cyndi Lauper, and cat-shit breath.

Gah.

Dead Robot said...

I think I know that actor... he wanted me to slap him around some

Normlr said...

That's a definite cure for those days when I feel like I've missed out because I've spent most of my life in (bad) relationships instead of dating more - present boyfriend excluded of course.

BTW - I love Goldfrapp like I love vodka and dark chocolate. Can never have enough.

Midniter said...

Teh can drench me in spunk anytime

Jason said...

Gut-punching and cat-shit breath... OMG.

toobusyliving said...

I think you need to go to more things like "Strawberry Socials" or something.

Shora said...

OMG, Mloyd, I spewed coffee all over my keyboard when I read the molar / bridle thing. Tell me you're kidding!

Butchieboy said...

Here's Peter on his way to visit Indianapolis.

teh l4m3 said...

midniter: muwah.

butchie: YES!

Adorable Girlfriend said...

AG once got hit on by a guy who looked like Boy George.

OK, AG just wanted to type that story.

MT: hang in there. Does Res know anyone local for ya?

Madame: I may have found you a sweet Jewish boy in Muskoka. He's super cute and he does water skiing tricks.

Riss said...

Am I turned on or disgusted? Who can tell.

Midniter said...

All Res knows nowadays are lesbians. Which is fine, but doesn't help me get any.

Butchieboy said...

Peter & Rouge driving to the market to buy tampons & Abs of Steel videos.

indygirl said...

Oh god. Until I reached the end I thought those were all the same person. Still, pretty bad stuff. Ugh.

Jason said...

Where are u?

Crucible said...

Really sorry to hear about your nephew. So sad.

Carrie said...

yes terrible tragedy. jason told me....so sorry, my deepest condolences to you and your family. xoxoxo if u need anything you can call me. xo

Brian FInch said...

I don't know, I think it's not a good sign when you start picking out new colours to paint the bedroom as you're fucking some guy!

Stay single! It so much less complicated!

Adorable Girlfriend said...

I'd like a lesbian, Midniter. Could you put in a good word.

Whose nephew?

AG
blog.republicofdogs.net

sirbarrett said...

My condolences about your nephew. That's terrible. Sad video too. I hope you find someone special cause we all need somebody to love.

Shora said...

I'm so sorry too about your nephew. I don't know what else to say... there are now words really. Hugs sweetie. xoxo

Normlr said...

Sorry to hear about the tragic accident. Big Hugs.

Midniter said...

Sorry to hear about your nephew. Let us know if there's anything that we can do. Big hugs to you.

teh l4m3 said...

xoxoxoxoxo

Carrie said...

sweetie if u need anything, call me. really. HUGS SO MANY FOR YOU. xo

The Persian said...

yikes!!

Jason said...

I'm sorry I asked for a new post, I'm not good with grieving.

car@ said...

Madame, i too really sorry. Don't feel guilty for the distance created. The most important thing is that you carry him in your heart and thoughts. Life sometimes plays funny with us.
I embrace you with my two arms.

Kunstemæcker said...

I don't understand what is going on here. Neither do I have to.

You're feeling down so I send you my warm regards.

Shora said...

Miss ya sweetie. Post soon, ok?

Jason said...

My grandma died and that made me sad once too.

Jason said...

I didn't even blame you for it either.