Wednesday, June 20, 2007

I'll take it

If all I get is one afternoon with you in a public place... cold bathroom tile followed by coffee and a chat about music...

I'll take it -- knowing that you're at home, with your boyfriend, as I write this.

I'll take it -- as I look at the naked picture you sent to me years ago (when you were single) and wonder why we never got together.

I'll take it -- even though in a few days (or hours), the thought of our encounter will probably send me into a tailspin of loneliness.

Which came first: the lowered expectations, or the tendency to process tiny scraps of intimacy as bliss?

Monday, June 11, 2007

want

I've had a conceptualization lately of want as an electrical circuit: it's either open or closed. On or off. The phrase "I don't know what I want" strikes me as absurd. When you want (or don't want) something, you'll know it. Want is positive or negative, but not neutral.

"I don't know what I want for dinner" means you can't decide what to order from the menu. There's a big difference between indecision and want. I want the steak. I don't want the deep-fried parmesan [gag]. Don't say "I don't know what I want to order," but rather, "I can't decide what to order."

I tried explaining this to my brother a few weeks ago, and he asked if I had been smoking pot.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

flustered

One of my flaws is that I tend to drop the curve balls life throws at me. Then again, I was never good at sports.
"Karen, the gays don't catch." (Grace, in Will & Grace)
Yesterday was a long day for me. Up at 5:30 a.m. and out the door by 6:15 to pick up a coworker, then off to the airport area where we met a bus as part of an organized day trip for our job. The coworker is new, straight, and smokin' hot. I was looking forward to getting to know him. I find out he's of Lebanese descent, and I immediately start picturing this:



After a 380 km (round-trip) bus ride and the rest of the day's events, we were back to the meeting point just after 7 p.m. Walking through the parking lot, we see that my car has a flat tire. Not a big problem: there's air in the spare, and I've changed a few tires in my life. Coworker is new to the procedure, so he lends a hand and learns a few pointers from the gay guy. Still, I'm annoyed at the flat and I just want to get home.

We head back downtown on the freeway. I try and concentrate on driving, knowing that I have to watch my speed and movement with the compact spare. We talk during the drive, and when we're finally downtown, I miss the exit. The drive is lengthened by 15 minutes.

(I've studied famous airline crashes, and there's a scenario where flight crews start to make mistakes under pressure. The mistakes can snowball with disastrous consequences. On a much smaller scale, this is what was happening to me.)

Because of my exit fuck-up, I end up driving west into the evening sun. No problem: I put my sunglasses on. But I'm tired, and looking for an intersection. "Is that your street?" I ask. He replies "no, it's the next one, but you can drop me off anywhere along here." Wanting to please him, I say that I'll take him right to his building.

And that's when, for the first time in my life, I drove through a red light.

I saw the street sign, and knew that I had to go one more block. I just didn't notice that it was a signal-controlled intersection. "Dude, you just blew that red light," said my coworker. To my utter and complete horror.

I managed to get us both home without further moving violations.

I spent yesterday evening thinking of how lucky I was that I didn't get into an accident and injure/kill someone. Ashamed, I vowed to pay better attention to road fatigue. Today, I apologized for my stupidity (again) to my coworker. He was really understanding and didn't seem to be taking it as seriously as I was.

mea culpa

Sunday, June 03, 2007

LOL! anthropomorphism!

I know it's not Caturday, but I couldn't resist ducktoring up this cute image of a duckling chasing an insect.



The LOLcats phenomenon has wore down my historical opposition to intentional Internet misspelling. I have a daily belly-laugh at icanhascheezburger. Those crazy kids!