I always win

My friends and I have all freaked out about how young Taylor Lautner is (born in 1992). But as Ellen danced to C+C Music Factory's "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)" today, I realized that Lautner was born after that song came out. It charted a full year before he was born. Oh, and Madonna's "Vogue" ? Released almost two years before Lautner's birth. I decided to re-write the lyrics to "Vogue". It's how I feel this morning. what are you looking at? old, old break a hip break a hip look around, everywhere you turn it's walkers they're everywhere that you go you try everything you can to stand up and not die in the bathtub when your health fails and you long to be someone younger than you are today I know a place where you can get away it's called dementia and you get it when you're old, old feel your body break to the music hey hey hey fuckin' old let your body go with the flow you know you have De...

Roth's hometown ( Morrisville PA ) is not in the southern US. The last time I checked, if you're north of the Mason-Dixon line , you're in the north. (The article can be found here .) Whatever. I still cringe when I hear "I Love College" — just as I cringe when I see/hear/ read about Eminem . Despite Roth's claims in ILC ("I love women" and "don't have sex if she's too gone"), the video has a fair share of misogynist imagery . And I've read enough about his other songs to conclude that he has a lot to learn about how to treat women with respect. Oh, and Asher? Putting two condoms on is not * an effective means of protection. * http://www.nyu.edu/shc/promotion/condoms.dental.dams.html http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/1139.html

I went on a spending binge this week: $683.54 on credit. To put things in perspective, I have no income at the moment. My entire severance went into an RRSP back in December. Since my layoff, I've been living on my vacation pay payout, a non-registered mutual fund, income tax refund, and credit. My EI benefits will kick in next month; until then, things are pretty lean. Why, then, am I spending like a drunken sailor in port? I'm a gay man, so shopping is pleasurable. Groceries are a necessary purchase; many items were picked up at sale prices. The "personal care" category was high this week — I needed sunscreen, which isn't cheap. I broke my Ray-Ban Aviators , so I replaced them with a less-expensive house brand. Justifying the rest of it becomes difficult. Could I have waited to buy the new Tori Amos CD? Probably not. But I also bought CDs by Alphabeat and P!nk , and the new Stevie Nicks concert DVD. I washed my car twice — I'm conv...

I don't remember how long I've had a copy of "Let it Snow" by Harry Connick Jr. I can say with confidence that in previous versions of Windows Media Player , I had the song categorized as Christmas or holiday -- but not ethnic . I'm pretty anal about how I categorize my digital music files. I fought with this program for most of last Sunday, trying to burn a couple of mixed CDs. It was a frustrating experience. I lost playlists on several occasions -- after thinking that I had properly saved them. And I find it annoying that I can't deactivate the setting that displays little CD icons for all of the album artwork. It's too much.

I just got back from seeing Tori Amos in concert at The Sony Centre with Thistle . This is the 7th or 8th time I've seen Tori live -- I have to go through some shoeboxes, find the ticket stubs, and get an exact tally. What can I say? I love you, Tori (there! I said it on my blog, instead of yelling it out during the show). "Space Dog" sent chills through my body during both of its bridges. And I loved how Pip gave us all the finger after she finished. I'll close with the refrain from the end of Hey Jupiter - The Dakota Version . These lyrics have always blown me away. Tori played it tonight as her final encore. I go from day to day I know where the cupboards are I know where the car is parked I know he isn't you

My brother has an infinite ability to crack me up. It's especially pronounced when we're riding in a car -- probably the natural outcome of many long road vacations in our childhood. EXAMPLE 1 "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd is on his satellite radio. He's driving. Neither of us is speaking. OK... Just a little pinprick... There'll be no more -- aaaaaahhh! But you may feel a little sick. And I'm doubled-over, laughing, because he chimes in with a loud, piercing falsetto at the "aaaaaahhh" part. EXAMPLE 2 We're driving again, approaching a stop sign. The highway has rumble strips. As his truck wheels contact the rough surface, resonating with sound pairs (front and back tires) that are further and further apart (we're decelerating), he's adding his own sound effects: mer mer merr merr murrr murrr And I'm laughing again. Every time.

Expected. De rigueur. Kickin'! What do we do with our lives? We leave only a mark Will our story shine like a light Or end in the dark? Give it all or nothing! doo doo doo doo doo doo doooo doooo... Tina Turner, "We Don't Need Another Hero" Don't you get sad and lonely You need a change from what you do all day Ain't no sense in all your crying Just pick it up and throw it into shape INXS, "What You Need" Always slipping from my hands, Sand's a time of its own Take your seaside arms and write the next line Oh I want the truth to be known Huh huh huh hu-uh huh I know this much is true Huh huh huh hu-uh huh I know this much is -- true Spandau Ballet, "True" Dusty words lying under carpets Seldom heard, well, must you keep your secrets Locked inside, hidden deep from view? Do I seem all that hard? Is it all that tough? Now I've shown you all my cards, well isn't that enough? You can hide your hurt But there'...

I'm heading to HMV after work to buy the new albums by Tori Amos and Feist . Well... definitely Tori, and probably Feist. I'm still getting acquainted with her music. I liked the cool seventies groove of "Inside and Out" after I heard it a few times. (Note to Salem : I didn't know she was part of BSS . I still have no idea who they are, but at least I'm one step closer now.) What might clinch the purchase is how much I love My Moon My Man . I love men, I love men's moons, and I love the foot-tapping tempo of the track. How can I lose?

Miss Thistle and another friend saw the JT/Pink concert lastnight. Yes, I am jealous! Pink is a badass and I like her for it. Justin Timberlake... well let's just say that I think this is one of his best ass ets: Oh, and I like a lot of his songs, too. And I don't care who knows! Lastnight, I saw Little Children with Peter , Marc , and Jason . It was a real treat to watch such a long movie with so many scenes of Patrick Wilson 's face, smile, eyes, teeth, chest, arms, abs, legs, and ass. Oh, that ass... (Detecting a theme, anyone?)

No sir, no cloggin' today. Despite the fact that I sometimes wonder how anyone can get through all of the "hey lookit what I found on YouTube" posts--no matter how neat and cool they may be--I'm posting the new Scissor Sisters video. I love the relentless catchiness of I Don't Feel Like Dancin' and hope that someday, some man will have cause to say or think these things about me: I'm gonna be the one who gets it right [...] I'm gonna tell the whole world that you're mine The album comes out in Canada in a few days. (My fellow clogger Normlr gave it an advance review last week.) Until then, feast your eyes on the bulging leather pants of Jake Shears:

William Shatner should cover "SexyBack" by Justin Timberlake. Clear your mind. Can't you just hear him? Dirty, babe You see these shackles? Baby, I'm your slave I'll let you whip me if I misbehave It's just that no one makes me feel... this way Fatrobot, please make us a gif .

subtitled: artistic license The other day, I was listening to 102.1 FM here in Toronto and they played "Comin' Home" by City and Colour . I had already heard "Save Your Scissors" and although I don't know who Alexis is or why she's on fire , I thought it was a nice enough song. But I was put off by this lyric in "Comin' Home" I've been to Lincoln, Nebraska and hell you know it ain't worth shit I've never been to Lincoln, but I think it's pointless and somewhat immature for the song's protagonist to put a place down like that. Then again, the performer hails from a band whose Internet domain name is "the only band ever." I shouldn't expect too much. The only other character I know of that might dislike Lincoln is Aurora Greenway . Her daughter died there, in a hospital room, in Terms of Endearment .

This post will probably make me seem like a fourteen year-old girl, but... when has emasculation stopped me before on this goddamned blog? I've decided that I like Pink . When she first surfaced, I had the same reaction as when I saw my first Britney Spears poster in a crappy mall music store: you have got to be kidding . I think it was Pink's vocals for "Just Like a Pill" and her inflection when she sang I said 'I tried to call the nurse again, but she's being a little bitch' I think I'll get out of here... that converted me. She had me at "bitch." Although I don't have any of her albums, I have enjoyed the Pink songs I've been exposed to. "Stupid Girls" has a great message and video. And I have been humming "Who Knew" for a couple of weeks now. If someone said three years from now You'd be long gone I'd stand up and punch them out 'cause they're all wrong I know better 'cause you said fo...

-but only in the trailer for the movie Striptease . As "La Grange" by ZZ Top spools up, and Demi tears off her white shirt (violently freeing her breasts), I get startled. Jooles works with Mitzee and Jason . Sometimes we e-mail each other during the day about a song we've heard on the radio. I first discussed this notion of Moore's flailing cans with Jooles about a year ago. Every time I hear "La Grange" on the radio, I get a mental picture of the hostile h00ters in that movie trailer. I really don't like that. And lastnight, Striptease aired on one of the cable channels. Great. Now I'm associating "Cold" and "Money Can't Buy It" (by my beloved Annie Lennox) with titties, instead of every gay dinner party I attended from 1993-1994 . It has all gone to hell in my brain.

Earlier this week, Butchie over at My Blog Rules Your Ass! posted some great cover images of trashy/pulp/lesbiaxploitation fiction. Titillating, for sure. It reminded me of my first clandestine read: It was the winter of 1981, and I was 11 years old. Loverboy 's "Turn Me Loose" was on constant rotation on the Winnipeg AM radio station I could barely pick up, CKY AM 580 . Turn Me On! by Jack W. Thomas (Bantam, ISBN 0553144103, if you're interested) was a novel I found at our cabin . It was just smutty enough for my emerging curiosity toward sex. Even today, when I hear Mike Reno 's vocals ( And I was here to please / I'm even on my knees / Makin' love to whoever I please ), I remember "the sensational novel of a teen-age reign of terror." hoo-hoooooooooo hoo-hoooooooooo- oooooooooo

I've loved her voice for almost as long as I can remember... from the light tone of her lead vocal in Fleetwood Mac's "Rhiannon" (1975) to her lower register in later solo work like "Trouble in Shangri-La" (2001). I had a hard time deciding which song to clip for this post. I decided on "Whenever I Call You Friend" (recorded in 1978 with Kenny Loggins). for more on Stevie, click here

HMV released the new Dixie Chicks album today. (I had the date marked in my calendar... couldn't wait to buy it!) I had time tonight to play the first seven songs, and the group's hellish experiences in 2003 are starkly evident. From "Lubbock or Leave it" (Robison/Maguire/Maines/Campbell): Throwin' stones from the top of your rock Thinkin' no one can see The secrets you hide behind Your southern hospitality But my favourite lyric is from the first single, "Not Ready To Make Nice" (Robison/Maguire/Maines/Wilson): I made my bed and I sleep like a baby With no regrets and I don't mind sayin' It's a sad sad story when a mother will teach her Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger And how in the world can the words that I said Send somebody so over the edge That they'd write me a letter sayin' that I better Shut up and sing or my life will be over I love my Chicks!

I tried to attach this to my profile as an audio clip. I wasn't successful--perhaps the file was too large.

Here are the worst offenders: "Photograph" - Nickelback (I don't get it. Americans lap this shit up. In Canada, we hear it on radio because it's the fucking law .) "Santa Monica" - Theory Of A Deadman "On My Own" - Hedley "When The Night Feels My Song" - Bedouin Soundclash (sucks SO hard) "Bad Day" - Daniel Powter (AAAAUGH! Someone make it stop! Shake a jar of pennies at it!) "Run" - Rex Goudie (does the term "fucktard" mean anything to you?) "Single" - Kalan Porter ( Canadian Idol needs to go away. Now.) "Old Skool Love" - Divine Brown (Great. Not only are we recognizing stolen melodies, but also poor spelling.) previous rants about the machine of Canadian musical mediocrity: Bed-o-win Sound-torture I'm not the only one... I'm not alone: craptastic.com "I want to destroy Nickelback" - Kickass!

Ted Nugent approached Green Day recently and proposed a collaboration. Green Day apparently laughed in his face. Green Day has fascinated me since Dookie . Here was a band--arguably, the fathers of the genre I so fondly refer to as "nerd rock"--that revelled in their awkward dorkiness. These guys would have been beaten to a pulp when I was in high school, and that made me feel old. They seemed to reject the mainstream while chasing success. When American Idiot came out, I was again transfixed. Post-Dixie-Chicks (and "I'm not changing my fucking show * " Madonna, pansying out with the video for "American Life"), here was an album and a series of videos that had the huevos to address the perception of Americans abroad and question the war in Iraq itself ("Wake Me Up When September Ends"). In an era that is sadly lacking protest music, this was the closest thing I had seen or heard. (Hello? "Fortunate Son" by CCR, anyone? Anyone ?) Of...