I always win

downtown Seattle from the ferry dock at Bainbridge Island, March 31 1999 On March 30 1999, I flew from Toronto to Seattle to start an exciting chapter of my life: an internship at the head office of the company I worked for. It was a big deal for me. Not only was I hopeful about where the internship might take my career, but I had always been envious of my high school friends who bravely went on student exchanges. Here I was, jetting off to a city I'd never been to before, and living with people I had never met. My company's legal department determined that I didn't need a work visa. Instead, I'd apply for entry under a provision of NAFTA . I had full references and documentation; still, I was nervous clearing U.S. customs at Pearson . Before my car service arrived to take me to the airport, I took an Ativan . I sailed through effortlessly. My Air Canada flight to Sea-Tac will likely remain one of the most pleasurable I've ever taken. Relaxed from the Ativ...

A lot has happened in the past month. On December 2, 2008, I suddenly became jobless after my employer of 13.5 years eliminated my position. This is a good thing; I was not at all happy in my job, as indicated by several previous posts on this blog. I'm signed up for Employment Insurance , and registered in a provincial government program called Second Career . I have my first appointment with them in a couple of weeks. It's time to give my career a soft reboot . Or reinstall my career's OS . I travelled a lot in December — trips that were arranged before I got the axe. I was in San Francisco from the 6th to the 11th. I just love it there. The trip was inexpensive, because it was on frequent flyer miles and hotel points. I was in Florida over Christmas, visiting my snowbird parents. They're in central Florida, amid plentiful orange groves, cattle ranches, and surprisingly hilly terrain. The distance from the ocean was more than made up for by the enormous ou...

It's an overdue post, but since I'm already up with insomnia, here is an update on my vacation to area code 807 . You know you're in northwestern Ontario when you start seeing Robin's Donuts stores. Here's a shot of my take-out Robin's coffee early in the morning of July 20th, on the Trans-Canada Highway just west of White River. 1800 km from Toronto, and this is far as Mrs. Viggen* can take me. My family's cabin is another few kilometres by boat. Note the gorgeous Red Pine . The sound of the wind flowing through its needles is beyond calming. * my car's nickname The Bald Eagle population is thriving. The view from my bedroom window. I had a great time. Unfortunately, when I came back to Toronto, there was a total shitstorm at work, and I've been trying to recover ever since. Increased dosages of anti-depressants are helping, as is a strong ethic of "I don't give a fuck."

06:30 a.m. - up 08:15 a.m. - ultrasound at Sunnybrook 09:05 a.m. - another tech comes into room for advice, leaving door open 09:06 a.m. - people in hall walk by and see me in my underwear / hospital gown 09:07 a.m. - get up from gurney and close door, loudly 09:15 a.m. - wipe up lube, dress, head to lab for bloodwork 09:30 a.m. - leave hospital, drive south on Bayview 09:40 a.m. - massive traffic jam, due to closure of Bayview extension 09:55 a.m. - after doubling back up to Eglinton Ave. East, drive to DVP 10:05 a.m. - cut off by burgundy Jeep Liberty refusing to let me merge onto DVP 10:06 a.m. - watch Jeep Liberty make illegal lane change, southbound at Don Mills 10:07 a.m. - watch Jeep Liberty change lanes again while cutting off bus 10:08 a.m. - get caught behind a light blue Jaguar driving way underneath limit 10:09 a.m. - pass Jaguar, notice driver is reading newspaper 10:20 a.m. - arrive at work to "start" my day! 09:20 p.m. - find out I didn't get awesome gover...

This week, I saw the Neville Park "mini-ravine" for the first time. I was driving down Victoria Park Avenue to meet a friend in the Beaches neighbourhood. Vic Park gets very quiet and residential down by the lake. It jogs slightly to the east at Bracken Avenue... and that's where I had to stop and take a look. In front of me was a landscape I had never seen before, yet it was strangely familiar. I've had a recurring dream about an almost exact replica of this beautiful, south-facing, tree-lined ravine. The light was poor, but I took a photo anyway. You can see Lake Ontario in the background. On my way back home, I got this shot of downtown Toronto on Kingston Road, just east of Woodbine. Again... not the best light. I shot several, but my hands were freezing and the best vantage point was in the middle of the road. Once home, I did this: It's basically the same thing I've done with this blog. I haven't quit or bailed on it for...

http://atom.smasher.org http://www.streetsigngenerator.com

I didn't clog for two weeks. Pablo asked "where do you go when you go away?" I didn't go anywhere, but I got a fuckload of stuff done: I really focused on work, and finally got on top of things exercise (swimming & walking) buttsecks established a healthy sleep pattern uninstalled a hog of a computer security program (rhymes with "Florton") and replaced with a better program... thus preventing me from throwing my computer off the bacony in a fit of frustration saw The Lives of Others . God, I miss Berlin. kept up with household crap like cleaning, dishes, and laundry applied for a new job If I had done all of this stuff plus clogging... well, I couldn't. My sleep would have suffered. And I don't function when I'm sleep-deprived. I have missed the clog camaraderie; sadly, in order to achieve some very pressing goals (new job, weight reduction), something must be extracted from the schedule. I haven't quit the clog. Yet.

Thursday night I dreamed I was having a hot and heavy affair with Colton Ford . It wasn't so much a sexually detailed dream as it was emotionally intense . Colton was already in a relationship in my dream. We were cheating. Plus, he was a guest where I work, which can so get me fired in real life. The theme of unavailable men continued on Saturday night at a Christmas party in Cabbagetown. A few weeks ago, the host told me about a hot twentysomething that he thought would be perfect for me. And I met him at the party. Hot, most definitely. But my friend left out a crucial detail: the partner of several years. Another party guest was a seriously tall & cute guy I met last winter. Partnered, according to reports. Well, after six drinks, I found a moment to tell the tall guy how attractive he was, and to ask if he was still in a relationship. He replied that he was. Tall guy was exceptionally gracious and kind about the whole thing--and spent quite a bit of the remai...

Although I work in a depressing windowless office, the building is right on the shore of Lake Ontario. So when I need cheering up, I head out, get a coffee, and sit by the water for a few minutes. This is what I did on Monday afternoon. The weather was balmy, and the lake was calm. I watched a large group of Long-tailed ducks in the harbour. I don't see this species much, because they're on the lake in the colder months of the year. A few of them were making their way toward the pier. They dove underwater, so I quietly approached the pier's edge. Standing still, I watched the bubble trails get closer. They surfaced right in front of me. Absolutely beautiful birds: white and dark brown, with long slender tail feathers. We studied each other for a few seconds, and then they dove back down into the water. I felt my spirit recharged as I tracked their underwater progress... graceful, purposed... to a depth of several feet. (The effect of the zebra mussel infestatio...

I stopped off at the city's worst Dominion store (at College Park) last night after work. Dijon mustard is on my list, but they don't stock my favourite brand, Maille . I refuse to pay full price for French's , so I skip it. What did I dream about lastnight? Row upon row of Maille Dijon mustard, on sale. This is obviously my stressed-out brain processing stuff. I'm extra-busy at work right now. Basically, I'm Mitzzee . Not helping matters is the lack of (good) sex. Also, I haven't worked out since June 13th. I need a goddamned break.

I didn't sleep very well lastnight. Or the two nights before that. I'm so overtired that I'm slurring my words and tripping over my own feet. It took me two and a half hours to get myself to work this morning--only to find that I couldn't unlock the door. (I had brought my laundry card instead of my i.d. card...) All... systems... shutting... down...

Here's me. I "fell down and went boom" on Thursday. We had freezing rain in Toronto, and despite my experience as a curler, I still managed to have a wicked wipe-out that dislocated my right shoulder. I was lucky that nothing was broken, and that I didn't have to wait in the ER at all. I was also lucky to get some awesome drugs. "I want full sensory deprivation and backup drugs, sweetie!" (Edina Monsoon, Absolutely Fabulous ) Ironically, just as I was on an iv and oxygen at St. Michael's Hospital, my friend Peter was leaving a voice message for me at work warning of the icy conditions outside. So, I'll be in a sling (and not the fun kind) for a while. My work--and worse, my blogging--will be impeded. Sigh.

I blame most of it on being called into work on Saturday. Ordinarily, I stand a pretty good chance of landing in a "valley" after a "peak" such as my trip to Spain. Good times can't last indefinitely, my brain tells me. If I could have spent Saturday napping and leisurely getting ready for the two Christmas parties I was expected at that night, it might have turned out differently. I might have had some more fun. Instead, I got home from work exhausted and fell asleep at 8:30 p.m. I turned off my phone, crawled into bed, and slept for 14h. Monday, I not only missed work but also medical tests necessary for an upcoming procedure (a procedure that's causing me inordinate amounts of stress). But yesterday's small miracle was that I had a shower and brushed my teeth. Baby steps. Today, I'm literally forcing myself to go get those missed medical tests from yesterday and head to work after that. I have Cyndi Lauper to look forward to with Jason...