I forgot to mention: at the wedding I attended, I did my usual trick of disappearing during the garter toss. (I fucking hate the garter toss.)
I have been at three weddings in under a year where my parents were also guests. Apparently, my vanishing act hasn't gone unnoticed.
Kill me. Kill me, now.
(No, I unfortunately haven't made any headway in the topic area mentioned at the end of this post several months ago.)
My friend "Greg" usually gets a voice message from me during the garter toss. Sorry, Greg. I couldn't find a phone this time.